Just because I haven't mentioned it lately

I'm still getting veiled death threats. They talk about cutting off fingers, kidnapping, breaking and entering in this new rash of threats. A former "friend" of mine sent me a postcard to her art show with this big mafioso guy smoking a cigarette and acting as a pallbearer.



Is that supposed to scare me?

If it is God's will, so be it. I'd rather be dead than complacent. And, I would die a martyr's death.

I stopped talking to that girl (just shy of a year now...why would she bother contacting me?) because she called me "loose," under her breath as I was giving her a ride to her boyfriend's place of work. This was after I had just taped her application video for "America's Next Top Model." I even had to come up with ideas for her, she didn't have anything planned. I found her attitude towards me interesting given her behaviour. She was a part of an art collective and they had rented space in a big, abandoned warehouse. Every one of those people have turned on me, and I found it so upsetting because I was so supportive of them.

This is why she called me "loose." I was really, incredibly hung over that day because I went on a date with a Jewish psychiatrist the night before and over drank (beer) because I was so upset about not being with John. This Jewish psychiatrist then took me back to his place to "make out" and I unintentionally ended up sleeping with him. I don't even remember the act. After I did, he never responded to my emails.

This John that I keep writing about, I really wanted to marry. I even thought about taking his last name. For me, that was a big deal...I think Bracy is distinctive and, well, I've grown up with it. He was such a traditionalist, I thought it would make him very happy if I would.

Even though that Jewish psychiatrist would go on to betray me, I can still say nice things about him. He wrote poetry (sonnets) and his favorite film is "Kingdom of Heaven," a film about the Crusades.