Mysteries beyond human comprehension

A week or two ago a priest in my parish gave a homily about the Holy Trinity. He referenced a story from St. Augustine of Hippo (you should check the background on that guy, interesting stuff). St. Augustine was practically tearing his hair out trying to get a handle on how the Holy Trinity really works. (I have no idea how it actually works, I've just always envisioned it as a sort of spiritual tag team, a symbiotic relationship)

He came across a girl who was repeatedly taking buckets of water from the sea and emptying them on the sand. He asked her what she was doing. She said she was trying to empty the sea. He told her it was a foolish idea. Then she said to him (something along the lines of) "how do you expect to get such a big idea into your tiny head." And then she disappeared.

What motivates me

I'm not interested in making history, I'm interested in making eternity. I've got bigger plans, see.

Mary

They say that Mary might have been 42 at the time of Jesus' crucifixion.

During the grooming process in my experience of genocide, I befriended a "Satanist" whom I believed to be Mark Romanek, whom I was lead to believe was secretly in love with me. (Mark, you'll never be able to love another person very well because you disproportionately love yourself while at the same time you loathe yourself for all the horrible things you do.) Anyway, this person was operating under the moniker "SinCity42," so I used to have a negative connotation to the the number 42, once the truth had been revealed to me.

At a lecture given at church about the Canticle of Mary, the nun speculated that Mary might have been 42 at the time of Jesus' crucifixion. 42 has been repurposed, thank you God!

And tomorrow, I'm going to go into what a load of crap the 7 deadly sins are. They are not in effect due to Jesus. Thank you, Jesus!

Just because I haven't mentioned it lately

I'm still getting veiled death threats. They talk about cutting off fingers, kidnapping, breaking and entering in this new rash of threats. A former "friend" of mine sent me a postcard to her art show with this big mafioso guy smoking a cigarette and acting as a pallbearer.



Is that supposed to scare me?

If it is God's will, so be it. I'd rather be dead than complacent. And, I would die a martyr's death.

I stopped talking to that girl (just shy of a year now...why would she bother contacting me?) because she called me "loose," under her breath as I was giving her a ride to her boyfriend's place of work. This was after I had just taped her application video for "America's Next Top Model." I even had to come up with ideas for her, she didn't have anything planned. I found her attitude towards me interesting given her behaviour. She was a part of an art collective and they had rented space in a big, abandoned warehouse. Every one of those people have turned on me, and I found it so upsetting because I was so supportive of them.

This is why she called me "loose." I was really, incredibly hung over that day because I went on a date with a Jewish psychiatrist the night before and over drank (beer) because I was so upset about not being with John. This Jewish psychiatrist then took me back to his place to "make out" and I unintentionally ended up sleeping with him. I don't even remember the act. After I did, he never responded to my emails.

This John that I keep writing about, I really wanted to marry. I even thought about taking his last name. For me, that was a big deal...I think Bracy is distinctive and, well, I've grown up with it. He was such a traditionalist, I thought it would make him very happy if I would.

Even though that Jewish psychiatrist would go on to betray me, I can still say nice things about him. He wrote poetry (sonnets) and his favorite film is "Kingdom of Heaven," a film about the Crusades.

The Fellowship of Merry Christians

I wrote a joke for them, I think this one would make Jesus happy.

Why do we say TGIF?

Because He was raised on the third day.

Learning

A while ago I flew to California to meet a guy I met online.  He was a budding screenwriter and told me that he would teach me how to write.  He intrigued me because he had a foot fetish and I wanted to know what that was all about.  I had written about foot fetishes (as a joke) in my first attempted screenplay, Ad Nauseum.  The object of the main character's affection was dating a foot model (seen only as a foot). I later destroyed that screenplay, leaving nothing behind except for a few locations that I had shot and memories of lines I had written.  Which I should destroy as well.

He was a lapsed Catholic from a religious, Hispanic family.  He was also gay, but he was ashamed of it.  He asked me to call him a faggot (which I refused to do).  He told me a story about a time when a former lover locked him outside of his house, leaving him naked with only a dog collar on (he slept in the doghouse that night).  A kind, Christian neighbor came to his aide asking no questions and passing no judgements.  He saw her as a beacon.

Why did he have a foot fetish? Because he had feelings of inadequacy within his own masculinity.  I no longer think that foot fetishes are funny.

Evil: A Cultural Perspective?

You know, you always hear how much worse it is overseas and oftentimes there are bad things going on right in your own backyard. For example, there was a story on my Christian radio about missionaries running into trouble with witchcraft in Africa. What about witchcraft in America? Because you can deny it all you want to, which seems to be the common practice (I was in denial for a loong, loong time)--most people are oblivious, and some people are even OK with it. Like, say "white" witchcraft. Let me put it to you this way, God is not the one you are casting spells from. Hello?

There's a witchcraft store here in Battle Creek. It's called the Enchanted Attic. You don't see people getting all up in arms about it though. I was talking to a friend about it and she wondered if they had good incense. I wonder if they keep their incense next to their pentagram necklaces. Because when I went there, they were selling pentagram necklaces. Is that out of reverence to God? I think not.

Figure this out

This is a lighthouse. Your call.

If you still haven't figured it out, ask Pastor Greg Laurie.

Sending a message

After my graduation from my business class, I stepped aside to talk to my instructor. I told him, "I know I'm being effective when the death threats start increasing." It made him jump back.

I gave him a cd to pass along to a guy who works at the chamber of commerce. I said to him that I thought he needed some spiritual guidance and this was my way of sending a message to him. The cd had 3 songs from Kirk Franklin's "The Fight of My Life": the Intro, Declaration (This is It) and a song called Hide Me. I think he misinterpreted the last song (Hide Me), because when I gave it to him I told him to pay special attention to the ending of the song, where they keep repeating "You're making me stronger now."

That's how I feel about adversity.

Grace

Now, I'm going to tell you a little secret. During the beginning of my genocide experience, I was working at the Maryland Film Office. The woman I had previously filled in for on her last maternity leave had her second daughter. She named her Grace. Grace, at birth, weighed 6.6 lbs. This number really stuck with me, and gave me solace during times of trial. I later learned that there were 66 books in the Bible, just recently, in fact. I found out on Pastor Greg Laurie's website. I had never stopped to count them. Anyway, yesterday that number came up more than a few times. But here are two that I have physical proof of.

They were the only purchases that I made yesterday.

For those with little or no faith

I was awoken this morning to a my parents response to a phone call. My grandmother was being taken to the emergency room in an ambulance. My Aunt, a Catholic nun, asked me if I would meet her at the hospital. Half awake and a little unhappy about spending Memorial Day in a hospital room, I begrudgingly went. I did not know how serious her condition was. She has congestive heart failure which gives her the tendency of retaining water around her heart and I just thought of it as a common event for her to have them drain the fluid from her. I went without makeup and my hair wet and pulled back in hairsticks. Naturally, the doctor in the emergency room was both cute and funny (and married). I'm celibate and I probably will be for the rest of my life, but I still like to look cute for the guys. So, I went back home to put myself together. When I came back, my Grandma was in a room and sleeping (she couldn't sleep the night before so she was extremely tired). I then relieved my Aunt to go home and take care of family business while I stayed with Grandma. After a considerable amount of time, something really strange happened. This male nurse kept looking in the room with a puzzled look. Not too long after that happened, a team of nurses came to her room with those resuscitation paddles you always see on tv. They kept saying her that her heartbeat was really low, but I saw them pull a piece of paper out of their machine with a single, straight line. When they went to approach her, she woke up and said something to the effect of "wonderful, wonderful." They stood there confused for a second, but she was definitely back.

Not that I needed convincing.

And it's still going on

Suggested reading:  Kill Your Friends by John Niven (you can only get it in the UK), I found this book on MySpace (someone changed my MySpace account to the UK version and I don't know how to change it back) and I have a feeling it explains one (of many) rock related deaths of the 80's era, particularily the suicide of Ian Curtis (whose band members subsequently reformed as the rock group New Order, with an electronic side project entitled Getting Away With It).

On blogging

Some days the hardest thing about blogging is deciding where to start. I have volumes still in me.

Occasionally, I admit I post other people's articles (like the one on EQ) and I post quite a few lyrics. Why do I post so many lyrics? Because all too often people get hooked in by the melody and pay no attention to what's actually being said, as I would like to demonstrate in this Top 40 Blues Traveler song.

"Hook" by Blues Traveler

It doesn't matter what I say
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel that I'll convey
Some inner truth of vast reflection
But I've said nothing so far
And I can keep it up as long as it takes
And it don't matter who you are
If I'm doing my job, it's your resolve that breaks

Because the hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely

There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near
To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago
No matter how much Peter loved her
What made the Pan refuse to grow?

Was that the hook brings you back
I ain't telling you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely

Suck it in suck it in suck it in
If you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win
And then begin
to see
What you're doing to me this MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me
So desperately I sing to thee of love
Sure but also rage and hate and pain and fear of self
And I can't keep these feelings on the shelf
I tried, well no in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but I've got too much pride inside
To hide or slide
I'll do as I'll decide and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes
Of hip three minute ditties
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all of your cities to the ground
I've found I will not mess around
Unless I play then hey
I will go on all day hear what I say
I have a prayer to pray
That's really all this was
And when I'm feeling stuck and need a buck
I don't rely on luck because

The hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook...
On that you can rely

Growing up in blue collar Michigan

I grew up in a little bungalow on N. Union Street. My mother, during her pregnancy with me, worked as a scab worker in a manufacturing job. Does anybody really WANT to be a scab worker? NO, but times were and still are tough here.

I started working when I was 14 in a little greenhouse that was allowed to use minors (and get away with paying them less). I've had newspaper routes and lemonade stands. I've worked in several different kinds of factories (car parts, bubblegum, greeting cards), had lots of retail experience (I worked in a little shoe store for most of my high school years) and I even had a waitressing job (but it didn't last long, I kept spilling drinks on people).

When I was ready to go to college, I had a really tough time. No one wanted to take me because I was a C student. (George Bush was a C student and somehow he got into Yale) I didn't really apply myself as much as I should and I had working parents who didn't have the time to always watch over me. So, when I talked to my "guidance" counselor, they told me that my only option was this little school in the Upper Peninsula, Northern Michigan University, that had liberal admissions standards and no application fee, I jumped at it. When I graduated, as I walked down the stage with my diploma, I stared into a sea of Union jackets. You know what that tells me? That I was among many 1st generation college graduates.

Let me tell you a little bit about the working man. In Michigan at least, it's very blue collar/white collar. The blue collar doesn't trust the white collar and the white collar doesn't respect the blue. This is the mentality. In college, I defined myself as a "classist" because of my poor experiences with the rich. For example, there was a guy that was interested in me from Grosse Pointe (a very wealthy suburb of Detroit). Instead of asking me out to dinner, he gave me $20 to clean his house and let me play the music really high. It turned me off. I ended up dating a guy (for 7 years) who grew up in a trailer park. He was very intelligent (arrogant, but intelligent) and he now works as a professor at a better college than the one he went to. When I moved out to Baltimore, Maryland to be with him, I was exposed to more compassionate people with money-Maryland is a wealthy state, so my attitude began to change in that respect.

More on EQ

Elliott Smith had a high EQ. I think I might have a high EQ too. I can usually figure out a person's motives for behaving the way they do and I try to justify it in my mind. I think God gave me a high EQ because He knew what I would have to put up with in my lifetime.

Having a high EQ can work either really well for you, or really badly against you. When you're nice to someone, you're really nice and when you tell someone off, you can really piss them off (because what you're saying is true).

Why I use capital letters

Because I don't want you people to miss what I'm saying. I know it's considered yelling, but what I'm saying doesn't seem to be getting through to you.

Funny, I just noticed it posted at 9:11.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

Emotional Intelligence and the Heart Take Their Rightful Place Beside IQ and the Brain

Compelling evidence recently has surfaced, leading scientists to believe that Einstein's superior intellectual ability may have been related to the region of his brain that supports psychological functions. In other words, according to Newsweek science reporter Steven Levy, "When it comes to appreciating the most famous brain of our century, it ain't the meat - it's the emotion."

This new evidence is no surprise to those behind the latest rage in corporate competence - the idea of emotional intelligence (EQ) as a counterpart to intelligence quotient (IQ). Nor is the concept of EQ totally new to successful global communicators, many of whom have refined their emotional and communication competencies to a fine art.

What's new is the recent identification of these skills under the singular phrase "emotional intelligence," with an accompanying scientifically based, systematized approach to personal development that's rapidly attracting attention within corporate and organizational settings today.

Research shows that emotional intelligence may actually be significantly more important than cognitive ability and technical expertise combined. In fact, some studies indicate that EQ is more than twice as important as standard IQ abilities. Further, evidence increasingly shows that the higher one goes in an organization, the more important EQ can be. For those in leadership positions, emotional intelligence skills account for close to 90 percent of what distinguishes outstanding leaders from those judged as average.

Understanding Emotional Intelligence

Physicians and business management experts are now reporting that the theory of emotional intelligence answers questions they've never been able to answer before.

Once referred to as personality, "soft skills," character, or even communication skills, the scientifically based concept of emotional intelligence offers a more precise understanding of a specific kind of human talent.

"Emotional intelligence refers to the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships," says Daniel Goleman in his book "Working with Emotional Intelligence" (1999). It describes abilities distinct from, but complementary to, academic intelligence - the purely cognitive capacities measured by IQ.

Bruce Cryer, vice president, global business development, for Boulder Creek, California-based HeartMath, and co-author of "From Chaos to Coherence: Advancing Emotional and Organizational Intelligence Through Inner Quality Management" (1998), takes Goleman's ideas one step further. He adds, "From proven biological models, we now know that emotional intelligence is not just a new twist on relaxation techniques, it's about genuinely increasing the internal coherence and balance of a person. No longer is there any doubt that our emotional states affect our brain and its ability to process information."

For communicators open to thinking outside the box, the idea of developing one's emotional intelligence may not be far-fetched. Indeed, for those juggling the complexities and urgencies of effective communication within an increasingly demanding global marketplace, even a small increase in human proficiency and emotional management could provide welcome relief.

"Emotion informs everything we do," explains Kate Cannon, president of Minneapolis-based Kate Cannon and Associates, Inc., and developer of the American Express Financial Advisors program featured in Goleman's book "Working with Emotional Intelligence." "Emotional intelligence is helping us truly understand what effective leadership is and how people develop it; why we've not gotten the expected results from change work in organizations; and why really smart people do really dumb things that end up derailing their careers."

Uncovering the Origins of Emotional Intelligence

What is known about emotional intelligence today is grounded primarily in psychobiology and modern neuroscience. One of the first to point out the distinction between intellectual and emotional capacities was a Harvard psychologist named Howard Gardner, who introduced his theory of "multiple intelligences" back in 1983. His research identified seven kinds of intelligence - including math and verbal abilities - as well as two personal varieties he called "knowing one's inner world" and "social adeptness."

"Emotional intelligence," as it is referred to today, was formally conceptualized in 1990 by Jack Mayer, Ph.D. - now a psychology professor at the University of New Hampshire - and Peter Salovey, Ph.D., a psychologist at Yale. But it wasn't until Daniel Goleman's first book, "Emotional Intelligence" - and his expanded perspective on EQ competencies and capacities in his second book, "Working with Emotional Intelligence" (1998) - that emotional intelligence theory was actively applied to the mainstream business world.

St. Teresa of Avila

When you're a victim of genocide, and they've finally managed to get you checked into a mental hospital, they use your newly pronounced diagnosis against you to discredit you. NAMI, please take note.

I have bipolar disorder (it was 66 degrees today, what a good sign) but I usually say I have manic depression because I feel that it better explains my ordeal and "bipolar" has gotten such bad press (probably due to genocide) that I feel stigmatized by it. I'm a feeling person (noticed by my business class instructor, a pastor they call "Bishop."), and being manic depressive only accentuates these feelings. They call it "bipolar" because you fluctuate between the two polarities: extreme happiness or extreme sadness. Please note that these changes DO NOT occur in rapid succession. It is a cycling process: you're up for a while, you're down for a while. There's this stereotype out there propagated by either ignorant people or people who are promoting genocide, that your moods swing one minute to the next. NOT TRUE.

Let me tell you about St. Teresa of Avila. She said and did things in 16th century Spain that would have had any other woman killed (by virtue of being a woman, in 16th century Spain, with an opinion). She had attitude. SHE EVEN HAD ATTITUDE WITH GOD. There's this great story in Tessa Bielecki's "Wild At Heart," where she even tells God off. Let me tell you the story, it's been told to me two different ways A) the first way was she was riding a mule in a cart as she was touring Spain and it tipped over and God said to her "Teresa, this is how I treat my friends." To which she replied "Well, that's probably why you have so few!" B) she was in a boat that tipped over and the same thing happened. I'm not really sure, and it's hard to look up when it's in audiobook form, so this explanation will have to do. Anyway, she had the guts to speak her mind, AND GOD STILL LOVED HER, SHE WAS A SAINT.

She was a brilliant writer and theologian and it is of my informed opinion that she was even *gasp* bipolar. The only thing I've ever read of hers is the "Interior Castle," where I noticed many striking similarities of her "condition."

And, guess what? SHE WAS A DOCTOR OF THE CHURCH. Her writings influenced church doctrine.

How I've managed to last so long

I grew in fertile soil.

The Parable of the Seed
Luke 8:4-21


"And when a great multitude were coming together, and those from the various cities were journeying to Him, He spoke by way of a parable: 'The sower went out to sow his seed; and as he sowed, some fell beside the road; and it was trampled under foot, and the birds of the air ate it up. And other seed fell on rocky soil, and as soon as it grew up, it withered away, because it had no moisture. And other seed fell among the thorns; and the thorns grew up with it, and choked it out. And other seed fell into the good soil, and grew up up, and produced a crop a hundred times as great.'

As He said these things, He would call out, 'He who has ears to hear, let him hear.' And His disciples began questioning Him as to what this parable might be. And He said, 'To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God, but to the rest it is in parables, in order that SEEING THEY MAY NOT SEE, AND HEARING THEY MAY NOT UNDERSTAND.

Now this parable is this: the seed is the word of God. And those beside the road are those who have heard; then the devil comes and takes away the word from their heart, so that they may not believe and be saved. And those on the rocky soil are those who, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no firm root; they believe for a while, and in time of temptation fall away. And the seed which fell among the thorns, these are the ones who have heard, and as they go on their way they are choked with worries and riches and pleasures of this life, and bring no fruit to maturity. And the seed in the good soil, these are the ones who have heard the word in an honest and good heart, and hold it fast, and bear fruit with perseverance. Now no one after lighting a lamp covers it over with a container, or puts it under a bed; but he puts it on a lampstand, in order that those who come in may see the light. For nothing is hidden that shall not become evident, nor anything secret that shall not be known and come to light. Therefore take care how you listen; for whoever has, to him shall more be given; and whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has shall be taken away from him.' And His mother and brothers came to Him, and they were unable to get to Him because of the crowd. And it was reported to Him, 'Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside wishing to see You.' But He answered and said to them, 'My mother and My brothers are these who hear the word of God and do it.'"

The bio I wrote for my graphic design class

Hi, my name is Nicole Bracy.
I have been interested in art since I was a small child. My parents took some art classes at the local community college, one being in 8mm film production. They made little claymations of the Saturday Night Live sketch Mr. Bill. I enjoyed them so much, I used to take the rind from my bologna and pretend I was projecting it through the keyhole of my kitchen door. I was in love with medium of film. In high school I became active with the local community access television station. I moonlit as the director on a couple of episodes of Battle Creek Live, a local variety show. After high school, I went to the first college that would accept me that had a Film/Video major and graduated with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Film/Video. After college, I worked a few video production jobs and I eventually got a job with the Maryland Film Office where I got into location scouting for feature films and commercials.
Right now I have a part time cleaning job, but I am working to open my own small video production/web design/location scouting company.

Jesus loves passionate people

Look, I'm not here to play politics. I could never pretend to eat bologna sandwiches everyday to make me more relatable to the common man. I'm a vegetarian anyway. Did you know people in politics get scrutinized over their choice of mustard? Dijon is just too fancy (even though it's widely available), so many politicians say they take yellow mustard. They lie to protect their image. Some politicians operate on image alone. Their salary is (at a modest estimate) 3 times the amount of an average middle class citizen (and that's not counting lobbyist money and other associated perks), so OF COURSE they have a higher standard of living. I live paycheck to paycheck and every now and then I'll "splurge" on an exotic $11 cheese (to share with my friends). Does that make me a snob?

I started writing this to justify my use of occasional strong language. After being held down and psychologically tortured for 7, going on 8 years now (by people whose ultimate goal is to destroy me...they've actually made that known), I somehow feel compelled to qualify my commentary. And this is how I feel lead to do it. JESUS DOESN'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR THE PEOPLE SITTING ON THE FENCE. Revelations 3:16 "So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I am about to spit (often translated vomit) you out of my mouth." That's a pretty strong statement.